All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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