Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
