Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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