so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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