Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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