Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
