i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
