Farmville is her only friend.
the day after is always just damage control
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
