I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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