Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
