I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
