I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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