I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
