dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Randomize
