Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
