if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
