Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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