I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
