I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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