I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
