No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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