This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's always time for handjobs
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
