Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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