This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
