I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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