Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
