you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
