meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My vagina just clenched in fear
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
