He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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