I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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