A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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