She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
