I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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