On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
