I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
