I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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