Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
