hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
