3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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