he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
