so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
