So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
