I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
