You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
