I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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