Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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