I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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