1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Randomize
