My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
