Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
