do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
