My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
