Nicole vs. Life
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
