Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
