Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
