she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
